Archive for February, 2009
Racism protests against the New York Post? Nah. New York Post isn’t promoting racism. When I saw this cartoon, the first thought I had wasn’t anything to do with black people.
It was that New York Post was joking that the stimulus bill was written by monkeys and comparing it to current events.
But how could I possibly not jump to the conclusion that this unfunny joke has anything to do with the fact that Obama is half African? Simple. I AM NOT A RACIST. This cartoon has nothing to do with Obama. Nor do I ever think in terms of racial division, until some idiot decides its important and makes a big-ass deal about it.
Monkeys are funny. They are like strong, agile little people. Bonobo Chimps are something like 98.9% identical to us. They have fingers and feet and make funny faces. There are numerous phrases about monkies that makes this a joke that any 6 grader can appreciate:
- Monkeying Around
- 1,000 Monkeys Given Typewriters and Infinite Time will Eventually write the complete works of William Shakespeare
- This place is run by monkies
- So easy a monkey could do it
To Al Sharpton, Spike Lee, and everyone else who thinks this was racist: Racism does NOT end by empowering groups of people based on their skin color. Racism ends when you succeed to make race irrelevant to society. Make apathy your friend. You are an old, dying breed, fighting for relevance where little or none is needed. The younger generation doesn’t give a shit about a “white agenda” or a “black agenda” and if we do, it’s because you’ve taught it to us.
We want to live free of this silly, irrelevant immaturity. Stop being selfish publicity whores and support the greater good. Stop ostriching or supporting those you feel important enough…. stop reading between the lines only to stir controversey. Of course racism still exists. It exists in people like you who grab ahold of any opportunity to grandstand your own ego.
Think about it this way: we elected a half African President. We’re well on our way and you’re just pissed because you’re a dinosaur who is becoming less important. Go away.
The ONLY apology that the New York Post should even be responsible for issuing is one that says they’re sorry for offense and it was not their intention. And they did. So, case closed.
Ok. I’m feeling a little grumpy today so instead of being cheeky and fun like I normally like to be, I’m just going to issue a reaming on this one.
Seriously, why couldn’t PETA do something cool like a nude protest? Why cross this line? Does PETA have their heads so far up their asses they can’t see how ludicrous it is to compare a silly pretentious Dog Show to one of the most disgusting, racist cultural embarrassments of modern America?
The fact that PETA would have the audacity to stoop so low as to dress as these ignorant redneck retards to serve an “animal rights” agenda shows no shame. It is also yet more proof to the whole world that PETA’s agenda has no foundation in facts, logic or reason but instead is driven by the emotional whims of the most weak-minded and naive people of modern society. These same sincere but weak-minded and naive are the only ones that will ever take this message seriously.
Dressing up as the KKK is a big “Fuck You” to the African American community and anyone who has fought so hard to end racism in America. Racism is one of the biggest civil liberty/human rights issues America has EVER faced, and this undermines the problems we have overcome, using shock appeal to “market” an irrelevant cause.
Such a simple-minded association – the only ones who would even agree to this are white people from wealthy homes who are so detached from Nature and Conservation they probably have never even been camping. Pfft.
Anyway, since you’ve already found it a good idea associated yourselves with White Supremacy and American racism, I’ve thought of some other great offensive things you can try out:
1) Dress up as Hitler’s Youth Nazis and march through downtown Berlin adorning swastikas. After all, Hitler did have a Eugenics plan. Build a giant “gas chamber” and invite the public to go inside. Maybe even stamp their wrists with their own number while you’re at it. Isn’t Eugenics more appropriate for this AKC thing, anyway? “Master Race” and all?
2) Get a cross and crucify an animal effigy in Jerusalem. You can all dress up like Jews and Romans in Mel Gibson’s Passion, speak Aramaic, ridicule, spit, and prod at it. Make sure there is plenty of blood to go around and compare your message to Christ as you walk the Way of the Cross.
3) Cover yourself in animal feces and roll around in the entryways of city zoos. You know, because we cage the animals and all and they should be able to shit where they like.
4) Hire clowns dressed as vets to juggle jars of real, neutered dog balls and formaldahyde. You could hand them out to passers-by. This one would be great for any circus or city. Get attention for those neuterings!
5) You’ll be sure to get a news plug for this one and it will also work in any city – Represent the strays! Dress like homeless people, roll around in the dirt, and stop showering for 2 weeks. Contract a contagious disease and cough on everyone that passes. That’ll teach them!
One more thing…
If you think you’re giving money to help animals when you donate to PETA, think again. You’re just supporting a weak “animal rights agenda” when what we should be doing is planning for future conservation. Animals don’t give a shit about rights, anyway. Only humans do. Equally, only humans care about conservation. Animals want their needs met: food, water, safety, and something to breed with. They don’t give a shit about what is going extinct or why. The natural laws of “survival of the fittest” still apply and humans are THRIVING – therefore, to be responsible at the top of the food chain, life on our planet must be managed like any other evaluable commodity… if we are to sustain their population. We can’t personify animals because it “feels good” to do so.
Wake up and smell the reality – it is wonderful and delicious. Get a good whiff and then go do something useful for nature. But don’t feed PETA.
Seriously, 8 babies? And she actually had 6 embryos implanted. And she already has 6 kids for a grand total of 14 children. At this point giving birth must feel as normal as brushing her teeth. She probably does give birth while brushing her teeth. Here are some intelligent words from our single and unemployed mother of 14:
All I wanted was children. I wanted to be a mom. That’s all I ever wanted in my life,” she said. “I love my children.
Everyone loves their children… but we’re not all manufacturing them like car parts. These are live human beings you’re producing… I can’t even begin to explain how irresponsible, selfish, and stupid all of this is on every level imaginable. I hope the next time you show up asking for embryo implants the doctor does us all a favor and installs a permanent cork in your womb.
Ah, but enough of my ranting about personal responsibility. It’s Friday today and we all should laugh. This guy stood out in front of her house to protest her baby addiction with this awesome sign:
It seems that the new trend in the world of protest and activism is to chuck your shoe at World leaders. This is exciting news for me, I love reading and even better *watching* a good shoe-throwing, but to all footwear-fligers everywhere: KNOW YOUR THROW.
After exploring the World’s footwear through a rigorous, highly scientific process, I have rated a plethora of types for its level of offensiveness, damage potential, and style and provide commentary and tips on its throwability factors.
Damage Potential: 4/5
Throwability Analysis: Everyone would expect someone like a pirate or an angry amputee to throw a peg at them, so it scores low on the offensiveness scale, howerver the damage potential is high with consideration of a pointed peg. A nice, heavy weighted object that can be thrown like a football or javelin-style ensures a highly accurate throw, little wind resistance, and some momentum on impact that will pack a punch worthy of any blunt object – highly recommended.
Damage Potential: 0/5
Throwability Analysis: While a scuba flipper offers almost no damage potential on impact, the typically colorful nature and duck-like appearance of a flipper is a rare treat for all observers. You are sure to amuse and rouse your audience to laughter by throwing a plastic fin at a world leader. To reach your target, you must throw your flipper as if it were a frisbee – I would suggest practicing first in your basement to get down the right leverage and wrist control before Game Time. On impact it’ll probably just flop and bend before hitting the floor, which means the possible added benefit of less time in prison & torture.
Damage Potential: 3/5 (higher with extra smell factors)
Throwability Analysis: This is for the truly offended, impulsive shoe-thrower. One who throws a dirty old sneaker probably didn’t plan on his or her shoe-throwing, they sort of ended up somewhere that shoe throwing just made sense. If you’re going to only have one shot – do it right. Before throwing, take a good whiff of each in the pair and find the one that smells the worst. From there, you have several options. Either grab from the heel or toe and throw it so it rotates several times before reaching your target (preferred) or stick your hand inside the foot hole and “fling” it at your target (not preferred – it makes your hand smell and lowers your accuracy rate considerably). The third and final option takes more practice but gets increased points for Style if you can pull it off: grab it by the laces, swing it around like a sling or a softball pitch and let ‘er rip. If you can make 3 circles before some security goon takes you down and land your hit, you deserve a spot on Prime Time news, for sure!
Damage Potential: 3/5 (higher with ringworm and fungus factors)
Throwability Analysis: The gym shower flip-flip is a quick, easy throw and can be thrown about any way imaginable. Not much weight to this one means it’s ideal for indoor-throwing. This means it’s more often than not regionally restricted to Asia, Middle East, and Wal-Mart where indoor-sandal wearing can be considered appropriate. The added benefit of shower fungus potential make gym shower flip flops ideal for any protest throwing where you want to spread some germs to the leader you hate.
Damage Potential: 4/5
Throwability Analysis: Any fine purveyor of shoes for throwing will agree that the clog is the ideal footwear for any angry protester. Consider this: They’re uncomfortable as hell, they’re made of wood, and they often have big, sharp points on the front. Their shape makes it slightly difficult for throwing but with their hefty weight you can clearly knock out your target with this footwear – raising their damage potential to 5. Practice makes perfect.
Damage Potential: 5/5
Throwability Analysis: The Stiletto heel is the “Hooker Assassin Shoe”. These things are practically designed as weapons – do they even allow them in airports? While most shoes are blunt objects, this one has a spike on its underside. While great care, practice, and a strong observance of wind factors and throwing conditions are needed for proper contact worthy of damage, you are likely to impale your target right through the temple or eye. Doubtful that anyone will laugh at this one, because stiletto heels mean business and nothing ends ever well with ’em – especially flying toward someone’s face. Use with extreme caution!
Style: 5/5 (polishing factors applied)
Damage Potential: 3/5
Throwability Analysis: It doesn’t matter what country, culture, or religion you’re a part of – the global community as a whole will agree that nothing says “I’m a pussy” like throwing a loafer at someone. Whoever you throw it at will laugh at you and possibly throw it right back. Don’t believe me? Who gets the last laugh here, huh?
Damage Potential: 4/5
Throwability Analysis: The bittersweet thing about platform shoes is despite their awesome style, they’re also high profile. When you wear them you will be probably be 1 ft. taller than the rest of the crowd – a crowd expecting you to bust out in “The Hustle”. They also make it nearly impossible to run away unless you chuck both of them before you jet out of there. Imagine trying to run on one leg 8 inches taller than the other… there’s no chance for a quick escape. That said, they’re heavy like a 20 year old car phone and have great leverage for a solid throw with some weight. I would make this second only to Clogs and the Peg Leg.
Offensiveness: 0/5 (raised with recent water-wading factors)
Damage Potential: 0/5
Throwability Analysis: Water shoes serve a specific purpose – which is definitely not for throwing. In fact, this may be one of the useless pieces of throwing footwear at your disposal. It has no style, it’s hardly offensive unless you’ve been wading in the Mississippi River, and it’s unlikely to do anything except cause others to scratch their heads about why you’re packing a water shoe.
Damage Potential: 0/5
Throwability Analysis: Only slightly less useless than Water shoes, Ballerina shoes have the same result as the Water Shoes except a plus-one for Style that you’ll most likely lose when everyone calls you a “Pussy”. I wouldn’t expect to do any damage with even a hundred of these shot through a canon directly at the target… you could maybe bruise something but I wouldn’t expect more than that. Add wind resistance and it’s unlikely that this little lightweight shoe is going to even make it farther than 5 ft. Avoid the ballerina shoe – if you’re going to look like a pussy, at least borrow and throw someone else’s loafer so at least you can hit something.
Damage Potential: 4/5
Throwability Analysis: While golf is an extremely boring waste of space, their shoes are a perfect “middle ground” throwing device. The metal spikes on the sole of the golf shoe make it one of the most practical shoe for your throwing needs for two reasons – weight and damage potential. It will with fantastic momentum and accuracy because of its weight, and it stands out enough to make headlines as a “golf shoe” instead of just a “shoe” – which means added style points.
Damage Potential: 1/5
Throwability Analysis: Ever been hit with a Whiffle Ball? Getting hit with a croc is probably not too different pain-wise, but likewise getting hit with a Whiffle Ball is just plain pathetic. Along those lines, I would go so far to say that playing whiffle ball with Crocs is probably a good time. While I would like to have served up a far zero for these ugly-ass monstrosities of foot apparel, I must score them slightly higher because of their bright attention-grabbing colors that can be seen 2 miles away. This make them perfect for a protest projectile. Here’s a tip for throwing Crocs: Throwing may be a little tricky, get in as close as you possibly can and be sure to practice with either the shoe or the whiffle ball beforehand.
Damage Potential: 3/5
Throwability Analysis: A Tuxedo shoe is a great middle ground. It’s like the James Bond of shoes, classy, right? It’s got enough weight to it to bruise but not cause a concussion, and it’s got strong enough laces for long distance shoe-flinging action. The same functionality for throwing applies here as the Dirty sneaker, except in this case you are clearly demonstrating that your shit doesn’t stink. It’s perfect for the “elitist” protester who may be attending something “really important”, like a party of political bigwigs or corporate brown-nosing events. Save these for the more important times when your dignity counts as much as your outrageous insult.
Damage Potential: 3/5
Throwability Analysis: This one is for the nature-loving outdoorsy soul in all of us – that rugged hero who conquers nature with the finest in foot technology and keeping his feet cosy, warm, and waterproof. Quack, quack! Arguably the biggest problem with the Duck Boot is its difficult entry and exit – it can take some effort to get these things off and will either require a sitting position or a suspicious looking “hopping on one leg” maneuver while you pull your foot out. That said, once its in your hand, you’ve got a nicely weighted and balanced piece of footwear to fling at your target. I suggest throwing it sort of like a tomahawk with the goal of the sole planting right at your target’s forehead. Grab it towards the foothole with your thumb and index finger, aim carefully, and toss it with full speed rotation. Again, you will want to practice to get this method down correctly. The response will be great, and tossed with enough power, speed, and accuracy, you’re likely to issue some bruising.