Archive for September, 2009
When you’re angry about healthcare, you also eat someone, like the guy who bit the finger off of a senior citizen who decked him. Even better – the senior was not even protesting but merely passing through. It takes a lot of energy to get entirely through a finger and bone. This wasn’t just any ordinary nibble. If you want to get through a knuckle, you’re engaging in a full-on chompfest.
How could this happen? Are Americans really this angry that they bite each others body parts off? Americans are warm-hearted, generous, and believe in rigid yet polite political discussion. This type of anger just isn’t possible. That leaves me with two options: This chomper was either trying to prove a point or if he was just hungry.
Let’s explore this further with hard evidence:
1) Universal Health Care Reformers are Zombies – Zombies are mindless formerly-human creatures who have an insatiable craving to infringe on others’ “right to life” and well being. They don’t think, they simply follow and appear somewhat “human”. Slaves to their own status quo, their sole craving is to to take from others what does not belong to them. Zombies can come from highly infectious diseases, magical spells, playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller in graveyards, and more. They also seem to like like insurance. A LOT.
Everyone knows zombies have a habit of eat people. You must steer clear of them, and if they get into your space you NEVER throw a punch. A fair fight is not in the zombie’s mind – only to feed their craving for human flesh. Never approach or pass through a zombie zone without proper arms: a baseball bat (metal, not wood), a shotgun, or a shovel. You aim for the head and give it your best shot. If your first shot does not stop the personal space intruder, then fire again. If you’re overwhelmed by Zombies, retreat to a safe house or to common human brethren who are well equipped to take out the approaching flesh eating hoards.
I suggest every Universal health care opponent learn about this veritable foe and read the Zombie Survival Guide.
2) Biting off the limbs of your opponents will prove a point – In any government-run health care debate, nobody should know the true reality of the system like our senior citizens. But clearly, this 65 year old man has never visited one of our American hospitals or is high on Medicare / Medicaid. American hospitals are decrepit dumps with no regard to human health and will only replace your finger if you pay them a Trillion dollars. (Yes, “trillion” is the new “million” in 2009. See: Obama Monopoly 2009) So it only makes sense that a supporter of Universal health care “teaches” this foolish old man a lesson by sending him to a hospital to get his decapitated finger instantly sewn back on by an evil, money-mongering doctor. That’ll teach him. He’ll realize that waiting a few days for the cheerful, rationing US Government insurance system makes way more sense.
What’s the real story? Zombie or proving a point? You decide.