Junk Activism

In a sense, what is going on in the Global economy is a war of different sorts.  As a casual FOREX trader, I keep my eyes on the world’s biggest currencies: The U.S. Dollar, the E.U. Euro, Japanese Yen, and the Great Britain Pound Sterling..and well, they are all in deep doo-doo.  We created a bubble on a global scale and now everyone’s gasping at our “Irrational Exuberance”.  Cash Interest rates are being slashed and we’re spending more to avoid hard choices, like allowing companies to fail from a hog-wild spree of Free Market capitalism tempered with greed, lies, and stupid decision-making.

So, it leads me to this inevitable point that after all of the mainstream news and excitement of having an ultra-Liberal President, the opportunists of the Internetz have decided that it’s a good time to Stimulate the Web with great portraits of our fearless Capitalist leader, Barack Obama, riding the “Free Money” wave yet another time.   I’ve got my eyes open when I’m checking the weather, reading email, scanning the news – and I keep finding all sort of awesomely cheesy banners to get your happy, spend-itching hands on a piece of that tasty Obama pie.  Check ‘em out:

Obama….getting a good whiff of those Government dollars.

Yeah, none of these have cool Obama pictures…but still more “$12k grant” stuff invading my favorite news sites.

I suppose the ads for a “Free X-box!” weren’t working anymore – so they upped the ante to $50,000 and threw Obama on there.

Pfft.  $2.99?  Who’s got $2.99?  I’ve got to eat, you know.  That’s a meal at Taco Bell.  You’re going to have a hard time convincing me to shell out $2.99 when your competitors are offering $12,000 for free, buddy.

OOOO!!! Now this banner looks good.  It’s big and bold, it must be serious…now we’re talking!    Wait….this check says “tax refund” for $3,172.30.  I thought this was for $12,000?  I get it…you just want my $2.99, don’t ya?  I call bullshit!

It seems that the new trend in the world of protest and activism is to chuck your shoe at World leaders.  This is exciting news for me, I love reading and even better *watching* a good shoe-throwing, but to all footwear-fligers everywhere:  KNOW YOUR THROW.

After exploring the World’s footwear through a rigorous, highly scientific process, I have rated a plethora of types for its level of offensiveness, damage potential, and style and provide commentary and tips on its throwability factors.

Shoe Type: Peg Leg

Style:                        0/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis:  Everyone would expect someone like a pirate or an angry amputee to throw a peg at them, so it scores low on the offensiveness scale, howerver the damage potential is high with consideration of a pointed peg.  A nice, heavy weighted object that can be thrown like a football or javelin-style ensures a highly accurate throw, little wind resistance, and some momentum on impact that will pack a punch worthy of any blunt object – highly recommended.

Shoe Type: Scuba Flipper

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         4/5
Damage Potential:    0/5

Throwability Analysis:    While a scuba flipper offers almost no damage potential on impact, the typically colorful nature and duck-like appearance of a flipper is a rare treat for all observers.  You are sure to amuse and rouse your audience to laughter by throwing a plastic fin at a world leader.  To reach your target, you must throw your flipper as if it were a frisbee – I would suggest practicing first in your basement to get down the right leverage and wrist control before Game Time.  On impact it’ll probably just flop and bend before hitting the floor, which means the possible added benefit of less time in prison & torture.

Shoe Type: Dirty Old Sneaker

Style:                         1/5
Offensiveness:          4/5
Damage Potential:     3/5 (higher with extra smell factors)

Throwability Analysis: This is for the truly offended, impulsive shoe-thrower.  One who throws a dirty old sneaker probably didn’t plan on his or her shoe-throwing, they sort of ended up somewhere that shoe throwing just made sense.   If you’re going to only have one shot – do it right.  Before throwing, take a good whiff of each in the pair and find the one that smells the worst.  From there, you have several options.  Either grab from the heel or toe and throw it so it rotates several times before reaching your target (preferred) or stick your hand inside the foot hole and “fling” it at your target (not preferred – it makes your hand smell and lowers your accuracy rate considerably).  The third and final option takes more practice but gets increased points for Style if you can pull it off:  grab it by the laces, swing it around like a sling or a softball pitch and let ‘er rip.  If you can make 3 circles before some security goon takes you down and land your hit, you deserve a spot on Prime Time news, for sure!

Shoe Type: Gym Shower Flip-Flop

Style:                        0/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    3/5 (higher with ringworm and fungus factors)

Throwability Analysis:     The gym shower flip-flip is a quick, easy throw and can be thrown about any way imaginable.  Not much weight to this one means it’s ideal for indoor-throwing.  This means it’s more often than not regionally restricted to Asia, Middle East, and Wal-Mart where indoor-sandal wearing can be considered appropriate.  The added benefit of shower fungus potential make gym shower flip flops ideal for any protest throwing where you want to spread some germs to the leader you hate.

Shoe Type: Dutch Clogs

Style:                        3/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis:    Any fine purveyor of shoes for throwing will agree that the clog is the ideal footwear for any angry protester.  Consider this:  They’re uncomfortable as hell, they’re made of wood, and they often have big, sharp points on the front.  Their shape makes it slightly difficult for throwing but with their hefty weight you can clearly knock out your target with this footwear – raising their damage potential to 5.  Practice makes perfect.

Shoe Type: Stiletto Heels

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    5/5

Throwability Analysis:  The Stiletto heel is the “Hooker Assassin Shoe”.  These things are practically designed as weapons – do they even allow them in airports?  While most shoes are blunt objects, this one has a spike on its underside.  While great care, practice, and a strong observance of wind factors and throwing conditions are needed for proper contact worthy of damage, you are likely to impale your target right through the temple or eye.  Doubtful that anyone will laugh at this one, because stiletto heels mean business and nothing ends ever well with ‘em – especially flying toward someone’s face.  Use with extreme caution!

Shoe Type: LL Bean Loafer

Style:                         5/5 (polishing factors applied)
Offensiveness:          0/5
Damage Potential:     3/5

Throwability Analysis:  It doesn’t matter what country, culture, or religion you’re a part of – the global community as a whole will agree that nothing says “I’m a pussy” like throwing a loafer at someone.  Whoever you throw it at will laugh at you and possibly throw it right back.  Don’t believe me?  Who gets the last laugh here, huh?

Shoe Type: Platform Shoe

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis:    The bittersweet thing about platform shoes is despite their awesome style, they’re also high profile.  When you wear them you will be probably be 1 ft. taller than the rest of the crowd – a crowd expecting you to bust out in “The Hustle”.  They also make it nearly impossible to run away unless you chuck both of them before you jet out of there.  Imagine trying to run on one leg 8 inches taller than the other… there’s no chance for a quick escape.  That said, they’re heavy like a 20 year old car phone and have great leverage for a solid throw with some weight.  I would make this second only to Clogs and the Peg Leg.

Shoe Type: Water Shoe

Style:                        0/5
Offensiveness:         0/5 (raised with recent water-wading factors)
Damage Potential:    0/5

Throwability Analysis:    Water shoes serve a specific purpose – which is definitely not for throwing.  In fact, this may be one of the useless pieces of throwing footwear at your disposal.  It has no style, it’s hardly offensive unless you’ve been wading in the Mississippi River, and it’s unlikely to do anything except cause others to scratch their heads about why you’re packing a water shoe.

Shoe Type: Ballerina Shoes

Style:                        1/5
Offensiveness:         0/5
Damage Potential:    0/5

Throwability Analysis:  Only slightly less useless than Water shoes, Ballerina shoes have the same result as the Water Shoes except a plus-one for Style that you’ll most likely lose when everyone calls you a “Pussy”.  I wouldn’t expect to do any damage with even a hundred of these shot through a canon directly at the target… you could maybe bruise something but I wouldn’t expect more than that.  Add wind resistance and it’s unlikely that this little lightweight shoe is going to even make it farther than 5 ft.  Avoid the ballerina shoe – if you’re going to look like a pussy, at least borrow and throw someone else’s loafer so at least you can hit something.

Shoe Type: Metal Golf Cleats

Style:                        3/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis: While golf is an extremely boring waste of space, their shoes are a perfect “middle ground” throwing device.  The metal spikes on the sole of the golf shoe make it one of the most practical shoe for your throwing needs for two reasons – weight and damage potential.  It will with fantastic momentum and accuracy because of its weight, and it stands out enough to make headlines as a “golf shoe” instead of just a “shoe” – which means added style points.

Shoe Type: Crocs

Style:                        1/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    1/5

Throwability Analysis: Ever been hit with a Whiffle Ball?  Getting hit with a croc is probably not too different pain-wise, but likewise getting hit with a Whiffle Ball is just plain pathetic.  Along those lines, I would go so far to say that playing whiffle ball with Crocs is probably a good time.  While I would like to have served up a far zero for these ugly-ass monstrosities of foot apparel, I must score them slightly higher because of their bright attention-grabbing colors that can be seen 2 miles away.  This make them perfect for a protest projectile.  Here’s a tip for throwing Crocs:  Throwing may be a little tricky, get in as close as you possibly can and be sure to practice with either the shoe or the whiffle ball beforehand.

Shoe Type: Tuxedo Shoes

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    3/5

Throwability Analysis: A Tuxedo shoe is a great middle ground.  It’s like the James Bond of shoes, classy, right?  It’s got enough weight to it to bruise but not cause a concussion, and it’s got strong enough laces for long distance shoe-flinging action.  The same functionality for throwing applies here as the Dirty sneaker, except in this case you are clearly demonstrating that your shit doesn’t stink.  It’s perfect for the “elitist” protester who may be attending something “really important”, like a party of political bigwigs or corporate brown-nosing events.  Save these for the more important times when your dignity counts as much as your outrageous insult.

Shoe Type: Duck Boots

Style:                        1/5
Offensiveness:         3/5
Damage Potential:    3/5

Throwability Analysis: This one is for the nature-loving outdoorsy soul in all of us – that rugged hero who conquers nature with the finest in foot technology and keeping his feet cosy, warm, and waterproof.  Quack, quack!  Arguably the biggest problem with the Duck Boot is its difficult entry and exit – it can take some effort to get these things off and will either require a sitting position or a suspicious looking “hopping on one leg” maneuver while you pull your foot out.  That said, once its in your hand, you’ve got a nicely weighted and balanced piece of footwear to fling at your target.  I suggest throwing it sort of like a tomahawk with the goal of the sole planting right at your target’s forehead.  Grab it towards the foothole with your thumb and index finger, aim carefully, and toss it with full speed rotation.  Again, you will want to practice to get this method down correctly.  The response will be great, and tossed with enough power, speed, and accuracy, you’re likely to issue some bruising.

Wow.  I’m staring at a screen where there are piles and piles of people are waiting to get a glimpse of our new President.  I hope with all of that Obama Kool-Aid they’re drinking up that there are plenty of bathrooms.

I also do hope for the best, that his Presidency goes well.  I just hope people get a realistic expectation through all of this….this is absolutely mind boggling the amount of effort and money that is going into this.

History in the making is live right now here.

Between 2 – 4 million people will worship Obama next week during his inauguration. (aka “The Next Coming of Christ).  Of course, his $850 billion in new cash is going to fix our addiction to credit and deficit spending.

Before you tighten your belt too far, you should join in on the fun. Here’s your chance to enjoy your own Bailout.  Spend billions as President Obama in Monopoly: State of the Union 2009!  Get started today – click here for your very own bailout package!

The holidays have made me fat and happy, cold and sick, and lazy as hell.  I haven’t worked out.  I haven’t cleaned my bathroom, I haven’t cleaned my fridge of old Christmas goodies…. and I haven’t been posting Protest news.

Good things are coming very soon, I promise. 

And holy crapola, my news feeds and inbox are filled with the goings-on with the Israel and Gaza conflicts – and most of them aren’t even in Israel or the Gaza Strip.  There are protests sprouting up all over the world.  Which leads us to the….

Question of the day: Is anyone else in agreement that there are probably more protesters of the Gaza Strip invasion than actually live in Gaza Strip?

And the follow up question of the day:   What will it take for these people to learn the Kindergarden lessons of sharing?

It really isn’t that complicated to learn to share. Case in point: Even a 2 year old will usually walk over and hand you what’s in their hand, whether its a diaper, a piece of broccoli, or a doll.  These people in the Middle East get pissed when they have to walk through a door first, provoke each other, and fight to the death over exclusive rights to a rock and a brick wall.

A little tolerance goes a long way. 

PUT THE WEAPONS DOWN.

GO HOME AND READ A DIFFERENT BOOK – YOUR HEAD HAS BEEN BURIED IN THE SAME ONE FOR FAR TOO LONG.