Junk Activism

No joke.

Scientists in Vienna were sedating pigs and burying them in deep pockets of mountain snow to determine why people don’t suffer severe brain damage when they’re caught in these deep snow pockets.

Well, that didn’t make animal rights groups too happy to know we were burying pigs in mountains of snow, calling it “cruel and pointless”.

Excuse me, pointless?  This is fun. It’s my personal belief that these oinkers would’ve volunteered for the job with promises of leftovers, 5 boxes of Twinkies, 3 pounds of cheese, 5 apple cores, and a slab of bacon… er, hold the bacon.

“People are shocked and outraged that such cruel experiments can even be carried out in Austria,” said Gerda Matias, president of the International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.

The International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.  Interesting there is one of those, I’m assuming it’s abbreviated IUAEO.  Or Eyeyouay-ye-oh.

As much fun as it is killing animals for reasons other than food or security, we simply can’t bury them in snow and read their brain activity.

So we’re stuck with a problem.  These experiments must be done, but who should we do them on?  If we want real hard data on brain damage in the snow, we should be burying people in the Austrian Alps.  Cmon, if you’re scientists, why haven’t you figured that out yet?!

Of course the only logiacal way to do this is to start from the bottom up:

1) Convicts
2) Animal Rights Activists
3) Senior Citizens
4) Bankers and CEOs

Look, maybe it’s not as “ethical” as using animals, but we’re talking about science here.  And we need hard facts, people.

Germans love to get naked in protests.  At least that’s my opinion.  Especially the German PETA supporters.

Now there’s another excuse to don your birthday suit, and that’s to make a scene in airports, where scenes have been made by everyone from Hare Krishna’s to Taxi drivers to terrorists.

So these folks, in protest of installing virtual “strip search” machines as they’re called, are revealing their naked bodies to all of us, you know, in real life and uploading it to YouTube for all of us to see.  In protest of being seen naked.  It’s logical, don’t worry.  Watch the video and you’ll see:

Personally I’m excited about these body scanners, and you should be too.  Invasion of privacy?  Blah, blah, blah, just more rhetoric from civil liberties groups, the privacy-obsessive and the paranoid.  This is even better than TSA pat downs, which of course the TSA always wants to do to me since I give off an aura that says “touch me, I’m warm”.   They should hire more hot models to do this job, though.  Usually it’s some stiff, boring guy or an a woman in shoulder pads patting me down.

But seriously, come on.  The fact is these machines are good.  They’ll finally give me a real shot to show off my genitals to strangers in airports.

Hold onto your kippahs folks, this protest actually has NOTHING to do with the Temple Mount:  Over 2,000 Orthodox Jews in Jerusalem were pissed that Intel will be open on Saturdays (as it is accustomed to be) since that interferes with Saturday morning cartoons.   Ahem, I mean, Sabbath traditions.

Respect to these Jews, they know how to strike up a feverish protest.  Check it out:

The demonstrators attacked journalists covering the protest, as well as Jerusalem Deputy Mayor Yitzhak Pindrus, of the fervently Orthodox United Torah Judaism party, whom they accuse of selling out to the secular establishment.

The company’s security guards used pepper spray against some of the protesters, who broke through barbed wire fences installed to deter them.

This sounds a lot like Woodstock to me, minus the pepper spray and barbed wire.  I think the Jews were trying to get inside to get a peek at the facilities and perhaps Intel’s latest processors.

When you’re angry about healthcare, you also eat someone, like the guy who bit the finger off of a senior citizen who decked him.  Even better - the senior was not even protesting but merely passing through.  It takes a lot of energy to get entirely through a finger and bone.  This wasn’t just any ordinary nibble.  If you want to get through a knuckle, you’re engaging in a full-on chompfest.

How could this happen?  Are Americans really this angry that they bite each others body parts off?   Americans  are warm-hearted, generous, and believe in rigid yet polite political discussion.  This type of anger just isn’t possible. That leaves me with two options:  This chomper was either trying to prove a point or if he was just hungry.

Let’s explore this further with hard evidence:

1) Universal Health Care Reformers are Zombies - Zombies are mindless formerly-human creatures who have an insatiable craving to infringe on others’ “right to life” and well being.  They don’t think, they simply follow and appear somewhat “human”.  Slaves to their own status quo, their sole craving is to to take from others what does not belong to them.  Zombies can come from highly infectious diseases, magical spells, playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller in graveyards, and more.   They also seem to like like insurance.  A LOT.

Everyone knows zombies have a habit of eat people.  You must steer clear of them, and if they get into your space you NEVER throw a punch.  A fair fight is not in the zombie’s mind - only to feed their craving for human flesh.  Never approach or pass through a zombie zone without proper arms:  a baseball bat (metal, not wood), a shotgun, or a shovel.  You aim for the head and give it your best shot.  If your first shot does not stop the personal space intruder, then fire again.  If you’re overwhelmed by Zombies, retreat to a safe house or to common human brethren who are well equipped to take out the approaching flesh eating hoards.

I suggest every Universal health care opponent learn about this veritable foe and read the Zombie Survival Guide.

2) Biting off the limbs of your opponents will prove a point - In any government-run health care debate, nobody should know the true reality of the system like our senior citizens.  But clearly, this 65 year old man has never visited one of our American hospitals or is high on Medicare / Medicaid.  American hospitals are decrepit dumps with no regard to human health and will only replace your finger if you pay them a Trillion dollars.  (Yes, “trillion” is the new “million” in 2009.  See:  Obama Monopoly 2009)  So it only makes sense that a supporter of Universal health care “teaches” this foolish old man a lesson by sending him to a hospital to get his decapitated finger instantly sewn back on by an evil, money-mongering doctor.  That’ll teach him.  He’ll realize that waiting a few days for the cheerful, rationing US Government insurance system makes way more sense.

What’s the real story?  Zombie or proving a point?  You decide.

From a buddy of mine:  I was walking around Venice Beach and saw these guys with this poster and thought I would interview them for you.

So yeah, on Venice Beach you can sign this billboard with your scribbles if you agree that Jesus Loves Homosexuals as much as a God-fearing, fertile, and reproducing straight peoples:

Since Jesus shares his love with drug addicts, alcoholics, and gays as if they were all normal people like the rest of us, we should see if he really loves them equally.  Now I understand that this is mostly Public Relations for religion, but I hypothesize that this love is NOT equal - in fact I propose an experiment to see what he loves the most:

First, we create three new “Jesus Loves” boards, one for drug addicts, one for alcoholics, and one for homosexuals.  Then we line them up all next to each other and give someone the option of signing one (1) board.  Then, we count the signatures between the drug addicts, alcoholics, and homosexuals.  Keep in mind if you’re a gay alcoholic drug addict, you’ve got a 100% shot of getting some of that fine, fine Jesus Lovin’.

Then, we should take it a step further and spread the Jesus love to some of those who don’t get muh Jesus Love.  And mostly because I’m curious to know who would win in a “Jesus Loves” board signing rally between:

Jesus Loves Illegal Immigration
Jesus Loves Nazis
Jesus Loves Smoking Pot (I imagine this one would be much higher in Cali, no pun intended)
Jesus Loves Communist China
Jesus Loves Satan Worshippers
Jesus Loves S&M
Jesus Loves Consumerism
Jesus Loves Obama
Jesus Loves Terrorism
Jesus Loves George W. Bush