Junk Activism

It seems that the new trend in the world of protest and activism is to chuck your shoe at World leaders.  This is exciting news for me, I love reading and even better *watching* a good shoe-throwing, but to all footwear-fligers everywhere:  KNOW YOUR THROW.

After exploring the World’s footwear through a rigorous, highly scientific process, I have rated a plethora of types for its level of offensiveness, damage potential, and style and provide commentary and tips on its throwability factors.

Shoe Type: Peg Leg

Style:                        0/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis:  Everyone would expect someone like a pirate or an angry amputee to throw a peg at them, so it scores low on the offensiveness scale, howerver the damage potential is high with consideration of a pointed peg.  A nice, heavy weighted object that can be thrown like a football or javelin-style ensures a highly accurate throw, little wind resistance, and some momentum on impact that will pack a punch worthy of any blunt object - highly recommended.

Shoe Type: Scuba Flipper

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         4/5
Damage Potential:    0/5

Throwability Analysis:    While a scuba flipper offers almost no damage potential on impact, the typically colorful nature and duck-like appearance of a flipper is a rare treat for all observers.  You are sure to amuse and rouse your audience to laughter by throwing a plastic fin at a world leader.  To reach your target, you must throw your flipper as if it were a frisbee - I would suggest practicing first in your basement to get down the right leverage and wrist control before Game Time.  On impact it’ll probably just flop and bend before hitting the floor, which means the possible added benefit of less time in prison & torture.

Shoe Type: Dirty Old Sneaker

Style:                         1/5
Offensiveness:          4/5
Damage Potential:     3/5 (higher with extra smell factors)

Throwability Analysis: This is for the truly offended, impulsive shoe-thrower.  One who throws a dirty old sneaker probably didn’t plan on his or her shoe-throwing, they sort of ended up somewhere that shoe throwing just made sense.   If you’re going to only have one shot - do it right.  Before throwing, take a good whiff of each in the pair and find the one that smells the worst.  From there, you have several options.  Either grab from the heel or toe and throw it so it rotates several times before reaching your target (preferred) or stick your hand inside the foot hole and “fling” it at your target (not preferred - it makes your hand smell and lowers your accuracy rate considerably).  The third and final option takes more practice but gets increased points for Style if you can pull it off:  grab it by the laces, swing it around like a sling or a softball pitch and let ‘er rip.  If you can make 3 circles before some security goon takes you down and land your hit, you deserve a spot on Prime Time news, for sure!

Shoe Type: Gym Shower Flip-Flop

Style:                        0/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    3/5 (higher with ringworm and fungus factors)

Throwability Analysis:     The gym shower flip-flip is a quick, easy throw and can be thrown about any way imaginable.  Not much weight to this one means it’s ideal for indoor-throwing.  This means it’s more often than not regionally restricted to Asia, Middle East, and Wal-Mart where indoor-sandal wearing can be considered appropriate.  The added benefit of shower fungus potential make gym shower flip flops ideal for any protest throwing where you want to spread some germs to the leader you hate.

Shoe Type: Dutch Clogs

Style:                        3/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis:    Any fine purveyor of shoes for throwing will agree that the clog is the ideal footwear for any angry protester.  Consider this:  They’re uncomfortable as hell, they’re made of wood, and they often have big, sharp points on the front.  Their shape makes it slightly difficult for throwing but with their hefty weight you can clearly knock out your target with this footwear - raising their damage potential to 5.  Practice makes perfect.

Shoe Type: Stiletto Heels

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    5/5

Throwability Analysis:  The Stiletto heel is the “Hooker Assassin Shoe”.  These things are practically designed as weapons - do they even allow them in airports?  While most shoes are blunt objects, this one has a spike on its underside.  While great care, practice, and a strong observance of wind factors and throwing conditions are needed for proper contact worthy of damage, you are likely to impale your target right through the temple or eye.  Doubtful that anyone will laugh at this one, because stiletto heels mean business and nothing ends ever well with ‘em - especially flying toward someone’s face.  Use with extreme caution!

Shoe Type: LL Bean Loafer

Style:                         5/5 (polishing factors applied)
Offensiveness:          0/5
Damage Potential:     3/5

Throwability Analysis:  It doesn’t matter what country, culture, or religion you’re a part of - the global community as a whole will agree that nothing says “I’m a pussy” like throwing a loafer at someone.  Whoever you throw it at will laugh at you and possibly throw it right back.  Don’t believe me?  Who gets the last laugh here, huh?

Shoe Type: Platform Shoe

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis:    The bittersweet thing about platform shoes is despite their awesome style, they’re also high profile.  When you wear them you will be probably be 1 ft. taller than the rest of the crowd - a crowd expecting you to bust out in “The Hustle”.  They also make it nearly impossible to run away unless you chuck both of them before you jet out of there.  Imagine trying to run on one leg 8 inches taller than the other… there’s no chance for a quick escape.  That said, they’re heavy like a 20 year old car phone and have great leverage for a solid throw with some weight.  I would make this second only to Clogs and the Peg Leg.

Shoe Type: Water Shoe

Style:                        0/5
Offensiveness:         0/5 (raised with recent water-wading factors)
Damage Potential:    0/5

Throwability Analysis:    Water shoes serve a specific purpose - which is definitely not for throwing.  In fact, this may be one of the useless pieces of throwing footwear at your disposal.  It has no style, it’s hardly offensive unless you’ve been wading in the Mississippi River, and it’s unlikely to do anything except cause others to scratch their heads about why you’re packing a water shoe.

Shoe Type: Ballerina Shoes

Style:                        1/5
Offensiveness:         0/5
Damage Potential:    0/5

Throwability Analysis:  Only slightly less useless than Water shoes, Ballerina shoes have the same result as the Water Shoes except a plus-one for Style that you’ll most likely lose when everyone calls you a “Pussy”.  I wouldn’t expect to do any damage with even a hundred of these shot through a canon directly at the target… you could maybe bruise something but I wouldn’t expect more than that.  Add wind resistance and it’s unlikely that this little lightweight shoe is going to even make it farther than 5 ft.  Avoid the ballerina shoe - if you’re going to look like a pussy, at least borrow and throw someone else’s loafer so at least you can hit something.

Shoe Type: Metal Golf Cleats

Style:                        3/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    4/5

Throwability Analysis: While golf is an extremely boring waste of space, their shoes are a perfect “middle ground” throwing device.  The metal spikes on the sole of the golf shoe make it one of the most practical shoe for your throwing needs for two reasons - weight and damage potential.  It will with fantastic momentum and accuracy because of its weight, and it stands out enough to make headlines as a “golf shoe” instead of just a “shoe” - which means added style points.

Shoe Type: Crocs

Style:                        1/5
Offensiveness:         5/5
Damage Potential:    1/5

Throwability Analysis: Ever been hit with a Whiffle Ball?  Getting hit with a croc is probably not too different pain-wise, but likewise getting hit with a Whiffle Ball is just plain pathetic.  Along those lines, I would go so far to say that playing whiffle ball with Crocs is probably a good time.  While I would like to have served up a far zero for these ugly-ass monstrosities of foot apparel, I must score them slightly higher because of their bright attention-grabbing colors that can be seen 2 miles away.  This make them perfect for a protest projectile.  Here’s a tip for throwing Crocs:  Throwing may be a little tricky, get in as close as you possibly can and be sure to practice with either the shoe or the whiffle ball beforehand.

Shoe Type: Tuxedo Shoes

Style:                        5/5
Offensiveness:         2/5
Damage Potential:    3/5

Throwability Analysis: A Tuxedo shoe is a great middle ground.  It’s like the James Bond of shoes, classy, right?  It’s got enough weight to it to bruise but not cause a concussion, and it’s got strong enough laces for long distance shoe-flinging action.  The same functionality for throwing applies here as the Dirty sneaker, except in this case you are clearly demonstrating that your shit doesn’t stink.  It’s perfect for the “elitist” protester who may be attending something “really important”, like a party of political bigwigs or corporate brown-nosing events.  Save these for the more important times when your dignity counts as much as your outrageous insult.

Shoe Type: Duck Boots

Style:                        1/5
Offensiveness:         3/5
Damage Potential:    3/5

Throwability Analysis: This one is for the nature-loving outdoorsy soul in all of us - that rugged hero who conquers nature with the finest in foot technology and keeping his feet cosy, warm, and waterproof.  Quack, quack!  Arguably the biggest problem with the Duck Boot is its difficult entry and exit - it can take some effort to get these things off and will either require a sitting position or a suspicious looking “hopping on one leg” maneuver while you pull your foot out.  That said, once its in your hand, you’ve got a nicely weighted and balanced piece of footwear to fling at your target.  I suggest throwing it sort of like a tomahawk with the goal of the sole planting right at your target’s forehead.  Grab it towards the foothole with your thumb and index finger, aim carefully, and toss it with full speed rotation.  Again, you will want to practice to get this method down correctly.  The response will be great, and tossed with enough power, speed, and accuracy, you’re likely to issue some bruising.

I’ve spent about 5 years of my life independently studying the World’s religions and various faiths and one of the most interesting aspects of Islam is no depictions of the prophet Muhammad or God in any way/shape/form. This is easily seen in any Muslim art, which typically is more abstract, patterns-based and intricately beautiful.

That said, I am sick and tired of violent, ignorant Muslim groups blaming entire countries and groups of people because of a few ignorant people and a newspaper do not respect their beliefs.

“We are even ready to sacrifice our life for our beloved Prophet,” said Mahmood Sadiqui, a student leader.

About 200 people held a similar rally in Multan, a main city in the eastern Punjab province, burning Danish flags and chanting “Death to the Cartoonist!” and “Boycott, boycott of European products!”

At two rallies in Pakistan’s biggest city of Karachi, about 150 supporters from radical Islamic parties torched effigies of the Danish prime minister amid calls to boycott Danish products.

I know it’s not “all of Islam” doing this.  But to “all of Islam”, you should know that this message officially sucks.  How can you expect trust and respect in the world when some asshole yells Jihad against the entire country of Denmark, busting out with a chorus line of pointless, irrational flag burning, car burning, rock-throwing, and threats to hang a person who drew A CARTOON…A PICTURE…that you happen to dislike.

This isn’t Denmark provoking a war.  Through history, I think we have all seen enough violence called in the name of religious beliefs.

While it’s obvious you don’t believe in Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Press, (although I’m positive you believe in gun rights), or for politics based in logic and reason - is there nowhere in the Koran where Muhammad teaches you forgiveness and understanding?

“Please stop what you’re doing,” Imam Mostafa Chendid, the leader of the Islamic Faith Community, said in an address to young people during Friday’s prayer. “The prophet has not taught you to burn down schools, or burn cars or infrastructure.”

At least some in Islam have some damn sense of reason.  The world is a big place, there will never be a day when everyone is Muslim, so you’d better learn to just get along with the rest of us.

Fun link of the day, and my final thought: Christianity can handle some criticism of their art and deity.

The great thing about the word Protest is you can use to mean a refusal to do anything, including playing third base in Professional Baseball…  While I don’t necessarily consider a whining ballplayer as an Activist for anything but his own selfishness, it is a “Protest” nonetheless that has somehow become newsworthy.  Therefore I must prod it.  Here’s a quote from our friend, Baseball player Michael Young:

“After some careful consideration over the last month or so, and in an effort to not let this thing drag out and move forward at the task at hand — which is winning baseball — I’ve decided to put an end to this and start bearing down and playing third base.”

Growing up, I never saw baseball as a competitive display of my physical abilities…. it’s more like games and playtime.  I was the kid who put his glove on his head and danced around the outfield.  That said, playing the field is boring as hell, and the only thing I can figure out is maybe his view isn’t as nice from Third Base while he waits for his turn to swing the bat again.

From this article:

Considering the Rangers still owe Young $68 million, that’s a pretty hefty risk.

“Careful consideration” involving sleepless nights in a Four Seasons suite and room service, wiping his tears with a few greenbacks he cashed in earlier from his multi-million dollar salary.

So, Mr. Michael Young, don’t be a douchebag.  Please follow my complex logic:  You play for a team.  And you play a game.  For lots of money.  Go have fun - do as you’re told.

I will digress for a moment:  When I was in Middle School, I would’ve LOVED to get to Third Base.  I think the furthest I had gotten by the time I was 12 was maybe First Base - but definitely not Second Base.   I was definitely not one of the cool kids but Michael Young, you’re a role model for every 12 year old.  Play Third Base and Play it proudly!

In some odd, twisted state of mind, religious groups are now speaking out in protest against such political issues as gun control, oil drilling and Robert Redford.

Don’t get me wrong, people can believe whatever they want to believe.  I realize I don’t know the answers and some feel like they have, which is fine by me.  But the lack of flexibility in most religious faith brings about all sorts of fun and curious contradictions I can’t help but point out.  Let’s talk about this gun control thing:

Here’s a gun control protest from a North Philidelphia group called Heeding God’s Call.  God’s Call seems to now be focused on taking the guns out of the hands of regular people who he has deemed too stupid to own a firearm - or maybe it’s self-fulfilling prophecy.  Perhaps we are due for an end-of-the-world Revelation like apocalypse, starting with giving exclusive authority to carry firearms to militarism, thugs, religious regimes, and authority figures with Barack Obama at the helm.  The best was this quote from the one of the protesters who refused to leave the gun store:

One of the protesters, Melissa DeLong, 28, of Camden, said: “I’d rather leave in a [police] wagon than see one more child in a coffin.”

I don’t like to see children in coffins, either.  But perhaps you should protest funeral parlors next time.  Or you can pray.  Or something TOTALLY unheard of, like teaching firearm safety to kids whose gun-handling resumes only include Halo 3, Doom, and Half-Life.

I must also point out that millions of people take their children once a week voluntarily to a building whose predominate symbol is a Roman torture device and central focus is a message of blood and torture that is glorified.  It all seems so masochistic.  My point is - can’t we do more for our children?  Can’t we teach them more about how we are very close to finding life on Mars, or how we have found ways to map the human genome, or even just foster their imagination?

A few days ago I found the “Plane Stupid” site, which was the source of the recent London protest in which about 50 or so people broke into an airport, blocking a runway (which according to a Times Online article was closed for maintenance work) and disrupting air travel.

I took a minute to click through their Website, which attempts to express its agenda through a convoluted plethora of information with messages ranging from anti-airport, anti-elitism, and anti-climate change.  It demonizes air travel and airport expansion as a leading cause of CO2 emissions, the mainstream belief for the cause of global warming. (Thank you Al Gore!).  Oh, and destroying communities.

From their site article called “Why we Shut Stansted Airport“:

Monday’s action has shown the power of young people determined to turn the climate talk into climate action. We took the decision to disrupt the airport to directly reduce the CO2 impact of Stansted, as a response to the government’s consent to its expansion. We did so with heavy hearts, knowing it would disrupt passengers, because we knew the consequences of this action couldn’t be worse than the consequences of inaction. If irreversible climate change kicks in, millions of lives will be destroyed.

Time to Be Serious

My regular readers know that I’m not very serious, but I’m going to try for once this time (in my typical smart ass tone.)

I know civil disobedience is FUN.  And I’m a big fan of your work.  It gives me interesting things to write about and prod at.  But you don’t address a problem by attacking its symptoms.  If you’re truly serious about this, let’s set the record straight by outlining clearly what your real beef is (drum roll, please…):

POLLUTION AND MISMANAGEMENT OF RESOURCES

Climate change is a motivator.  The concern is pollution and resource management.  Yes, it is that simple, and even a 3 year old knows that pollution = BAD.  All without touting a holier-than-though guilt-trip about causing the coming Apocalypse.  All without worrying about the fact that there is no proof we can do anything about rising temperatures.  To an outside observer, your message makes you look as ridiculous as any other “The End is Coming” ‘tards.  So stop yelling pending doom because….

As a reminder, here’s a list of things that do not change the weather:

Airports
Airplanes
Airport Security
Airport Runways
Airport Expansion
Air Travellers
Government
Police
The Average Joe

What you want to stop is man-made pollution and inefficiency.

How to Fight Pollution and Airport Expansion with Logic and Reason
Instead of pulling immature stunts like breaking into airport runways, here are some good ideas for you to start with.  Appeal to the reasonable nature of the civilized world - like more wealth, better health, safety, and innovation.  Instead of inventing importance, just be important.

Promote and Invest in More Efficient Technology - High speed magnet trains, new rail infrastructure to support them, or even a hybrid airplane.  Get a skilled engineering job instead of creating worthless protest art and painting banners to preach doom and gloom.  Pump some funds into new tech so people won’t WANT to fly anymore.  Make money in the process, and if you’re really serious, use it to fund your organization.

Run Grassroots Campaigns to the Public - If you truly believe it, then prove it.  Demonstrate to people how to be more responsible.  After all, airports only expand because of increased air travel in which we’re all responsible for.  Explain to the public that they can get to where they’re going efficiently and more affordable by trains.  Give them options by handing out train schedules.  Start a new way to book tickets or a service that helps them plan their travels, save money, and pollute less.

Run a Campaign for the Airport, or Work for the Airport - Get involved with Zoning and Planning for your city or organization if this is important to you.  Find ways to make air travel more efficient so there is no need to expand it.  Help the airports manage flying schedules more effectively so they don’t need runways.  Maybe it’s possible?  Have you tried?  Or are you just causing a disturbance?

Run for Public Office - If this is important to you, then get in a position where you can do something about it.  I would question whether you’re intelligent enough to do so considering your approach to problems is irresponsible and juvenile, but you could at least give it a shot.

The overall point is this - if you’re broke, have no respect OR empowerment in the political/business structure, and possibly in prison, you’re useless.  What will you do?  Write letters?  Produce a sensationalized documentary about polar bears and penguins?  Keep your freedom, you’re more useful that way.

Fix your Damn Website

What the hell is the message?  Airport expansion and air travel is bad? Let’s examine the your “10 points”:

1. “Aviation is Mostly Unnecessary” - Not for everyone.  Aviation is still the fastest, most convenient means of travel.  Prove me wrong if you disagree, but you obviously are not business people.  People want to get there fast.
2. “Airports cause illegal levels of nitrous oxide pollution” - Pollution is the obvious problem here.  Why not build safer, more efficient airplanes as a start?
3. “Airport expansion will destroy important heritage sites” - Lobby for more intelligent design of airport infrastructure and runways.  Work for better management of airport resources.  Are these people in these heritage sites concerned, or are they ready to take a check and leave?  Ask them.  Also of note:  “Heritage Sites” usually have older infrastructure that is also not “green” and efficient.
4. “Aviation is the fastest growing cause of climate change” - The truth here is irrelevant - pollution is the cause, not aviation.  And everyone agrees that pollution is bad.
5. ‘Cheap’ flights are for the priviledged - WTF is this anti-Elitist message doing here?  Are you suggesting that flying is only for the rich?  You do realize that half the airfare paid goes into taxes, right?  You do also realize that cheaper airfare means more air travel too, right?  Maybe you just needed another point for an even “10″.  Your point here makes you look ridiculously naive to anyone with a high school education.
6. “Aviation’s contribution to the economy is massively overstated” - Tell that to Thailand, a country who just overthrew their entire government by blocking a major air travel hub in Bangkok.  Thailand’s budding economy is run on tourism and trade and they lost between $50 million - $85 million per day.  People get  there by flying.  “Massively overstated”, indeed.
7. “Airport Expansion is wiping established communities off the map” - Talk to these communities.  If they’re that established, they’ll join your cause.  In my city, everyone was drooling to take a fat check and head for the hills.  This also has nothing to do with climate.
8. “Aviation creates massive noise pollution” - Well, yeah, of course it does.  Everyone knows this.  So do railways and rockets and concerts and protests.  We like all of these things.
9. “Aviation diverts money from public services” -  Wasting law enforcement time dragging your ass around also diverts money from public services.  If you’re worried about tax breaks for air companies, that’s government policy.  Take steps to change tax policy by supporting allies in government.
10. “Aviation expansion will destroy ancient forests and woodland” - You mean the woodland right next to the airport, where all the noise, pollution, and established communities are?  Yes, it sounds like a great place for wildlife, camping and hiking.