Every year in Punxsutawney the tradition is followed where they pull a pampered groundhog out of his cage, thrust him into the air and watch to see if he looks at his shadow.  This somehow has a connection to climate patterns and determines how cold it’s going to be for the next six weeks.


Punxsutawney feels differently:

Oh and by the way, in case you were wondering, it’s six weeks of more winter.

This is a post about advertising and perception.

Most people following either football or gay rights issues have already heard of this growing controversy about Mancrunch.com looking for airspace on the Superbowl, only to be rejected by CBS for any number of convoluted reasons, including its “gayness” factor and the credit score of Mancrunch.com.

If you haven’t seen the ad, here you go:

Let’s discuss this marketing for a second.

First of all, ManCrunch.com?  If it has anything to do with sex, I can’t think of one thing in related to sex or romance I would want to associate with using the word “crunch”.  If something is crunching, you’re likely doing something absurd or illegal in 22 states.  Here’s my thoughts of what happened:

“We need a name.  Something catchy.  And it needs the word “Man” in it.”

“How about ManCrush?  Men having crushes on men.  It’s cute, it’s simple, and implies romantic fun some gay men are seeking.”

“Hmm… ManCrush.com.  But what if they think it’s about Crushing men?  You know, like UFC or Boxing or something?”

“Good point. <pause>  Ah hah!  Men like eating potato chips.  And potato chips go “crunch.”

“Oooooo, ManCrunch.com.  I can see the Superbowl commercial already…. register that hot domain name at GoDaddy.com while its HOT!” *See GoDaddy’s effiminately-charged TV ad that was also rejected

So now that we’ve derailed the whole basis of this brand name, let’s delve further into this ad and why it’s total tripe:

First of all this ad sucks because, well, it’s just plain cheap.  They must’ve spent all of their money on a single run of Airtime during the Superbowl because the ad looks cheap.  It’s a backdrop that looks like it’s been attacked by roadsigns (including a “No Entry” sign), a couch and a bag of potato chips.

Secondly, it’s stupid. Only the most brain-numbed nincompoops would even possibly by amused by this boring and mediocre ad, which unfortunately make up about 80% of Superbowl advertising anymore.  There’s nothing intellectually clever or stimulating about it, it’s just two guys watching football who randomly decide to make out to an equally non-clever lyrics “I wanna kiss this guy, I really really really wanna kiss this guy”.  So to all of the lofty types, the better-than-thou-because-I’m-not-homophobic crowd, this ad sucks.  For a social group stereotyped to be classy, fashionable, and artistic, even the least classy, fashionable, and artistic homosexual can’t even pretend this kind of dumbness does anything to aid the gay community.

Third, and most importantly, let’s evaluate what this ad implies to its audience of 100 million about homosexuality.  First we see two men, presumably acting “straight” (because “straight” guys are eating potato chips and watching football in rooms full of road signs).  After insulting his buddy, their hands touch reaching for potato chips and the lustful frenzy begins as blondie leaps on top of baldy and starts stage-kissing him.  Cue music, cue logo, then we see a curious, confused, and bewildered guy staring from an armchair.

What makes this message different from any other public reaction of homosexuality?  Wake up:  This isn’t a message of social justice, social rebellion, or even being contrary.  They’re trying to sell a product,  in this instance a Website membership, drooling to ride a wave of dollars using the same tired perceptions and social controversy of homosexuality used over and over to get attention.  In fact, the point of this ad seems to perpetuate the belief that all gays are first and foremost lustful attention-seekers and secondly, well maybe secondly, looking for meaningful relationships.

So you’ve got a mediocre ad that’s stupid and misrepresents the people it claims to represent, going so far as appealing with gay advocacy groups.

In a world of advertising boner pills, financial ads with close-ups of smiling humans, cheap watery beer, and processed corn chips, do what you will with this one.  Just do it with common sense, forward-thinking, and principle.

This strong advocate of peaceful protest showed us the true power of protest in bringing change, and probably set up the legacy of peaceful activism we see today.  Who ever thought venting your anger through nonviolent passive aggression would have any affect at all?  MLK proved it can be done and was ironically killed for it.

Dr. MLK Jr., thanks for making Junk Activism possible.  Without you, millions wouldn’t have the courage to stand up for all the things they believe in.  You’ve changed the United States in a profound, positive way, offering hope and courage, emphasizing the power of love and forgiveness.

You’ve also imbued them with the courage to stand up for anything, even some who lay down their lives for the most important issues of our current discourse, like rent to own stores, shoe-throwing, cow farts, money-addicted governments, and trees.

Looking forward to a good year of protests in 2010.

Read some of Dr. King’s profound and motivational speeches here.

Scientists in Vienna were sedating pigs and burying them in deep pockets of mountain snow to determine why people don’t suffer severe brain damage when they’re caught in these deep snow pockets.

Well, that didn’t make animal rights groups too happy to know we were burying pigs in mountains of snow, calling it “cruel and pointless”.

Excuse me, pointless?  This is fun. It’s my personal belief that these oinkers would’ve volunteered for the job with promises of leftovers, 5 boxes of Twinkies, 3 pounds of cheese, 5 apple cores, and a slab of bacon… er, hold the bacon.

“People are shocked and outraged that such cruel experiments can even be carried out in Austria,” said Gerda Matias, president of the International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.

The International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.  Interesting there is one of those, I’m assuming it’s abbreviated IUAEO.  Or Eyeyouay-ye-oh.

As much fun as it is killing animals for reasons other than food or security, we simply can’t bury them in snow and read their brain activity.

So we’re stuck with a problem.  These experiments must be done, but who should we do them on?  If we want real hard data on brain damage in the snow, we should be burying people in the Austrian Alps.  Cmon, if you’re scientists, why haven’t you figured that out yet?!

Of course the only logiacal way to do this is to start from the bottom up:

1) Convicts
2) Animal Rights Activists
3) Senior Citizens
4) Bankers and CEOs

Look, maybe it’s not as “ethical” as using animals, but we’re talking about science here.  And we need hard facts, people.

I’ve been to South Africa and Thailand (which was one of the least impacted countries in the 2005 tsunamis that devastated Southeast Asia.)

The pain & suffering is widespread and is affecting millions of the world’s most impoverished people.  Some are still buried under rubble, they need food, water, medical supplies, and mobility in a country that has next to no infrastructure.

Let me tell you – this situation in Haiti right now is dire.  We are talking about Katrina-type devastation in the poorest country in the world.   This could turn out to be like Katrina x10 if help does not get there fast.  Many of these people have lost what little they have left and will starve or die of diseases that could easily have been treated.  It is critical – life and death critical - that these people get aid as soon as possible.

There are scams out there.  I strongly, strongly encourage you to donate to a Legitimate cause.  Even if you’re totally indifferent or don’t have time or much money, there are ways now to literally send a text message and pay for it on your cell phone bill.

Text “Yele” to 501501 and you’ll get a confirmation.  Respond with YES to the confirmation and your cell phone bill will be charged $5, and the money goes into the fund directly for aid for the Haiti Earthquake disaster.

This goes to Wyclef Jean’s organization and their disaster relief fund.  A little bit from many will make a huge difference.  $5 can go a long way!!!

Alternately, faith-based organizations have existing infrastructure in Haiti, including the Catholic Church and several Christian groups.  Donate to the ones you trust. This money will be put to good use.

Please, please send a text message to donate to Wyclef’s Yele group, who is already working in Haiti, or to the Red Cross fund.  These next few days can make the difference between life and death for many.

…and when something screws up, I’ll be happy to write about the inevitable protests to ensure.

If you just donated, thank you.  If not, please consider doing so.

Now there’s another excuse to don your birthday suit, and that’s to make a scene in airports, where scenes have been made by everyone from Hare Krishna’s to Taxi drivers to terrorists.

So these folks, in protest of installing virtual “strip search” machines as they’re called, are revealing their naked bodies to all of us, you know, in real life and uploading it to YouTube for all of us to see.  In protest of being seen naked.  It’s logical, don’t worry.  Watch the video and you’ll see:

Personally I’m excited about these body scanners, and you should be too.  Invasion of privacy?  Blah, blah, blah, just more rhetoric from civil liberties groups, the privacy-obsessive and the paranoid.  This is even better than TSA pat downs, which of course the TSA always wants to do to me since I give off an aura that says “touch me, I’m warm”.   They should hire more hot models to do this job, though.  Usually it’s some stiff, boring guy or an a woman in shoulder pads patting me down.

But seriously, come on.  The fact is these machines are good.  They’ll finally give me a real shot to show off my genitals to strangers in airports.

Respect to these Jews, they know how to strike up a feverish protest.  Check it out:

The demonstrators attacked journalists covering the protest, as well as Jerusalem Deputy Mayor Yitzhak Pindrus, of the fervently Orthodox United Torah Judaism party, whom they accuse of selling out to the secular establishment.

The company’s security guards used pepper spray against some of the protesters, who broke through barbed wire fences installed to deter them.

This sounds a lot like Woodstock to me, minus the pepper spray and barbed wire.  I think the Jews were trying to get inside to get a peek at the facilities and perhaps Intel’s latest processors.

How could this happen?  Are Americans really this angry that they bite each others body parts off?   Americans  are warm-hearted, generous, and believe in rigid yet polite political discussion.  This type of anger just isn’t possible. That leaves me with two options:  This chomper was either trying to prove a point or if he was just hungry.

Let’s explore this further with hard evidence:

1) Universal Health Care Reformers are Zombies - Zombies are mindless formerly-human creatures who have an insatiable craving to infringe on others’ “right to life” and well being.  They don’t think, they simply follow and appear somewhat “human”.  Slaves to their own status quo, their sole craving is to to take from others what does not belong to them.  Zombies can come from highly infectious diseases, magical spells, playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller in graveyards, and more.   They also seem to like like insurance.  A LOT.

Everyone knows zombies have a habit of eat people.  You must steer clear of them, and if they get into your space you NEVER throw a punch.  A fair fight is not in the zombie’s mind – only to feed their craving for human flesh.  Never approach or pass through a zombie zone without proper arms:  a baseball bat (metal, not wood), a shotgun, or a shovel.  You aim for the head and give it your best shot.  If your first shot does not stop the personal space intruder, then fire again.  If you’re overwhelmed by Zombies, retreat to a safe house or to common human brethren who are well equipped to take out the approaching flesh eating hoards.

I suggest every Universal health care opponent learn about this veritable foe and read the Zombie Survival Guide.

2) Biting off the limbs of your opponents will prove a point – In any government-run health care debate, nobody should know the true reality of the system like our senior citizens.  But clearly, this 65 year old man has never visited one of our American hospitals or is high on Medicare / Medicaid.  American hospitals are decrepit dumps with no regard to human health and will only replace your finger if you pay them a Trillion dollars.  (Yes, “trillion” is the new “million” in 2009.  See:  Obama Monopoly 2009)  So it only makes sense that a supporter of Universal health care “teaches” this foolish old man a lesson by sending him to a hospital to get his decapitated finger instantly sewn back on by an evil, money-mongering doctor.  That’ll teach him.  He’ll realize that waiting a few days for the cheerful, rationing US Government insurance system makes way more sense.

What’s the real story?  Zombie or proving a point?  You decide.

So yeah, on Venice Beach you can sign this billboard with your scribbles if you agree that Jesus Loves Homosexuals as much as a God-fearing, fertile, and reproducing straight peoples:

Since Jesus shares his love with drug addicts, alcoholics, and gays as if they were all normal people like the rest of us, we should see if he really loves them equally.  Now I understand that this is mostly Public Relations for religion, but I hypothesize that this love is NOT equal – in fact I propose an experiment to see what he loves the most:

First, we create three new “Jesus Loves” boards, one for drug addicts, one for alcoholics, and one for homosexuals.  Then we line them up all next to each other and give someone the option of signing one (1) board.  Then, we count the signatures between the drug addicts, alcoholics, and homosexuals.  Keep in mind if you’re a gay alcoholic drug addict, you’ve got a 100% shot of getting some of that fine, fine Jesus Lovin’.

Then, we should take it a step further and spread the Jesus love to some of those who don’t get muh Jesus Love.  And mostly because I’m curious to know who would win in a “Jesus Loves” board signing rally between:

Jesus Loves Illegal Immigration
Jesus Loves Nazis
Jesus Loves Smoking Pot (I imagine this one would be much higher in Cali, no pun intended)
Jesus Loves Communist China
Jesus Loves Satan Worshippers
Jesus Loves S&M
Jesus Loves Consumerism
Jesus Loves Obama
Jesus Loves Terrorism
Jesus Loves George W. Bush

“A country that doesn’t love culture is a country that doesn’t love those who make culture either,” said veteran director Mario Monicelli.

Yes!   Italy hates you artistic culture-loving freaks of nature.   Italian directors have produced such gems as Troll 2 (after the amazing success of Troll 1, of course) and Cattive ragazze – both representing Italy’s superior film artistry by filling Italy’s spot in the Films Considered the Worst Ever Made.

Former Rome mayor Walter Veltroni, a leader of the center-left opposition, said the arts industry employed some 200,000 people in Italy. “If it shuts down, it is as if Fiat shut down,” he said.

Listen, artists of Italy – it’s a well known fact artists produce innovative art when they are poor and/or starving.  Your best artwork has not been produced for hundreds of years.  These budget cuts aren’t for your movie-making supplies.  These cuts are strictly for your food budget.  And by the way, just because Fiat is teaching Chrysler how to make tiny cars leaves you NO room to boast about Fiat  for your tricky little comparison that will no longer be mentioned.

Some in the industry have threatened to boycott the Venice film festival, which this year runs from September 2-12, though there is no consensus on taking such a drastic step.

Protesting the Venice Film Festival is the best thing you can do.  You should represent the Italian film industry at its finest, demonstrating how your well-fed diet is creating the most moving pieces of cinematic history.  Instead of playing the feature films for the Film Festival, repeatedly play Troll 2 while the entire cast of the film performs a live reenactment – with one catch.  The lines of the film should be altered to show the importance for a well-balanced diet and quite literaly why the Italian film-making machine must be fed.   Personally, I hate when artists whine for food.  But this is your best shot.