Earth Day is a wonderful day of reflection and celebration. It’s a festive Atheistic Environmental answer to Easter, minus the fun Pagan traditions. We should all reflect to appreciate the planet Earth and it’s plentiful resources. I’ve been pondering all sorts of fun things we can do to appreciate all that the Mother Nature giveth.
Follow these simple instructions for a long, fulfilling Earth day:
1) Upon waking up, spend adequate time to freshen up for Earth Day festivities. Brush your teeth extra long, take a nice long, warm shower. Get good and clean – take the time to reflect and relax about how you’re saving the Earth as you enjoy the peaceful and relaxing warm water.
2) Now that you’re fresh for Earth Day, appreciate the 3rd world by strapping on some Nike’s fresh from the world-class factories of Southeast Asia. Wear synthetic clothing developed from petrol-chemicals since PETA said hurting animals is a big no-no. Especially on Earth Day. Trust me, you will feel far less guilty.
3) Only urinate & defecate outdoors. On plants and trees. We must fertilize them!
4) Treat yourself to fine Earth Day-ness like fresh life-giving H20. You should only drink bottled water anyway, but especially on Earth Day. Buy a 24 pack. Heck, buy 48 – it’s never too cheap to be green. Drink as much as you possibly can. Only the best the planet can produce – only the best that Man can bottle for $1 – $2 a pop. The more money you spend on your water, the more important it is.
5) Rid the Earth of the filth you’ve created all year long. Locate all of the Styrofoam in your household… coolers, Dixie cups, and float trip beer coasters. Find the other random plastic junk you’ve collected – junk toys from 25 cent machines, Carnival Prizes, pointless Pet accessories, and all those water bottles from earlier. Build a bonfire and burn them all!
6) A true Earth day celebrator only eats Organic foods from Whole Foods. Not eating luxury produce from Whole Foods on Earth Day is sort of like not having cake on your birthday, or presents on Christmas. Be a good Earthling and slap food science right in it’s fat, ugly, selectively-bred lips with a $2 dollar Organic apple and a $10 dollar steak from a pampered cow.
7) Pay your Global Warming indulgences to Al Gore via Carbon Credits. He cares about the planet more than anyone else can afford to. Thanks to carbon dioxide, the fact that you even exist makes it worse for everyone else on Earth. So before you go to bed tonight, either consider suicide or buy Carbon Credits. They also give failing banks a new bullshit asset to trade. So…buy them now. Or the guilt will plague you forever.
8) Globalization should be encouraged. Be sure to buy Chinese products this Earth Day so we can further integrate the world. Toys, cosmetics, household items, and CFL Light Bulbs should all be purchased from global leading retailers like Wal-Mart.
9) Ah, a nice long Earth Day. It’s been enjoyable. Your trash can may be filled from the day’s business, but don’t you dare empty it yet – it’s better to wait until the day AFTER Earth Day to empty your trash. Your trash-conscious neighbors will think better of you.
Happy Earth Day!