Scientists in Vienna were sedating pigs and burying them in deep pockets of mountain snow to determine why people don’t suffer severe brain damage when they’re caught in these deep snow pockets.
Well, that didn’t make animal rights groups too happy to know we were burying pigs in mountains of snow, calling it “cruel and pointless”.
Excuse me, pointless? This is fun. It’s my personal belief that these oinkers would’ve volunteered for the job with promises of leftovers, 5 boxes of Twinkies, 3 pounds of cheese, 5 apple cores, and a slab of bacon… er, hold the bacon.
“People are shocked and outraged that such cruel experiments can even be carried out in Austria,” said Gerda Matias, president of the International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.
The International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents. Interesting there is one of those, I’m assuming it’s abbreviated IUAEO. Or Eyeyouay-ye-oh.
As much fun as it is killing animals for reasons other than food or security, we simply can’t bury them in snow and read their brain activity.
So we’re stuck with a problem. These experiments must be done, but who should we do them on? If we want real hard data on brain damage in the snow, we should be burying people in the Austrian Alps. Cmon, if you’re scientists, why haven’t you figured that out yet?!
Of course the only logiacal way to do this is to start from the bottom up:
2) Animal Rights Activists
3) Senior Citizens
4) Bankers and CEOs
Look, maybe it’s not as “ethical” as using animals, but we’re talking about science here. And we need hard facts, people.