Junk Activism

No joke.

Scientists in Vienna were sedating pigs and burying them in deep pockets of mountain snow to determine why people don’t suffer severe brain damage when they’re caught in these deep snow pockets.

Well, that didn’t make animal rights groups too happy to know we were burying pigs in mountains of snow, calling it “cruel and pointless”.

Excuse me, pointless?  This is fun. It’s my personal belief that these oinkers would’ve volunteered for the job with promises of leftovers, 5 boxes of Twinkies, 3 pounds of cheese, 5 apple cores, and a slab of bacon… er, hold the bacon.

“People are shocked and outraged that such cruel experiments can even be carried out in Austria,” said Gerda Matias, president of the International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.

The International Union of Animal Experiment Opponents.  Interesting there is one of those, I’m assuming it’s abbreviated IUAEO.  Or Eyeyouay-ye-oh.

As much fun as it is killing animals for reasons other than food or security, we simply can’t bury them in snow and read their brain activity.

So we’re stuck with a problem.  These experiments must be done, but who should we do them on?  If we want real hard data on brain damage in the snow, we should be burying people in the Austrian Alps.  Cmon, if you’re scientists, why haven’t you figured that out yet?!

Of course the only logiacal way to do this is to start from the bottom up:

1) Convicts
2) Animal Rights Activists
3) Senior Citizens
4) Bankers and CEOs

Look, maybe it’s not as “ethical” as using animals, but we’re talking about science here.  And we need hard facts, people.

Animal rights activists are always protesting, usually by carrying pictures of badly mutilated animals or cute puppies & fancy slogans.  They’re usually funny.  As I’ve mentioned before, nobody knows how to market Junk Activism quite like PETA and I’m a huge fan.

Now they’re taking it straight to the homes of executives that work in Animal research and fur.

From the article:

ON a recent Saturday, a day so cold the streets lay deserted, the peal of a woman’s voice shook the frigid air opposite Central Park. “Hey, Basso, what do you say? How did you kill your fur today?” yelled Stephanie Williams, 29, recently laid off from a job as an account manager at an electronics company.

Laid off from work at an electronics company and now a supercharged Animal Rights activist.  It’s a biography worthy of Lifetime.  I suppose with that much time on your hands not looking for a job, animals start to look less like food and clothing and more like pets and people so we begin to feel more noble, giving them things they don’t care about or understand (like rights).

Maybe with the surge in unemployment other people will have the same ambitions.  Perhaps you can build an army, or at least cash in on the naive ones.

Around her, a troop of fellow protesters stood lined up outside the grand apartment house known as the Beresford, on Central Park West and 81st Street. They responded to her chant with a list of ways to kill an animal.

Wait….now I’m really confused.  Why are you brainstorming ways to kill an animal?  I mean, I can help out with that.   Here are a few of the favorites through the ages of the Animal Kingdom:

• Guns
• Bows and Arrows
• Clubbing
• Poison
• Biting
• Eat them whole (Digestion)
• Clawing to death
• Trampling
• Testing chemicals
• Growing Ears on their backs

PETA leaves no tasty animal unturned, this time creating a high tech double-whammy protest: Protest Thanksgiving turkey eating AND the video game “Cooking Mama” on Nintendo Wii.

“Cooking Mama - Mama Kills Animals” turns a tame, food-loving cooking video game on Nintendo Wii into a violent animal slaughtering bloodbath.  The goal?  Show the true evils of eating bird on Thanksgiving and persuade Cooking Mama to make a vegetarian version.  Hmm.  Who would’ve thought the non-meat-eating population were such avid players of boring video games.

Regardless of speculation, the truth is PETA has made Cooking Mama more exciting.  From Doom to Grand Theft Auto to Resident Evil, everyone knows that violent games ARE FUN.   Mama has been transformed from a twinkle-eyed smiling Japanimation into a no-nonsense carnivorous bad ass. “Cooking Mama - Mama Kills Animals” goes back to the basics of meat eating - the simulated pleasures of yanking apart animal pieces - without actually having to do it.

Thanks, PETA.   Your next assignment is either “Barney’s Hide N’ Seek” or “Barbie Super Model“.  Please make these games more tolerable for play.  You guys hate people, and although an outdated model, Barney is technically an animal…. make him a man-eating dinosaur or something more useful for killing so this stupid game is tolerable to look at.  Maybe he can eat Barbie for wearing fur.

I WISH YOU A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Remember Full House?  Where the two Olsen twins made us smile and cringe by tag-teaming their role as the little Michelle Tanner who cracks silly, cheeky baby jokes to Bob Saget & John Stamos?

Those two little brats are all grown up now and fashion conscious, which means movies and now writing books, curly blond locks, a shitload of eyeliner and donning the finest exotic animal hides.

PETA has a fondness and obsession with fur, as well.  Except their fondness for fur is to hold signs and hide their faces by wearing what appears to be an ugly Kabuki mask, advertising such unfunny slogans as “Hairy Kate and Trashley Olsen”.  Cute, but hardly clever:

Then we are told:

“The Olsen twins support an industry that forces animals to live in tiny wire cages their entire lives and electrocutes and kills them for vanity,” PETA rep Ashley Byrne said.

PETA, I’m very disappointed in you.  No toplessness?  No fake blood?  No guys in chicken costumes?  No video demonstrations of the hide tanning process?  No promotion of fuel-burning synthetic alternatives?  Shell out a few more bucks next time.

Ok, time to take a shower, eat breakfast, and electrocute some small mammals in tiny cages with the Olsen twins.  Happy Friday everyone!

Alice Newstead doesn’t like that sharks get hung on hooks before their fins are cut off to make soup.  So, the fin-less masochistic artist gets her kicks by hanging by fishhooks in costume while onlookers watch through the window of a London cosmetics store.

Alice has accomplished the incredible.  What she’s done this Halloween is invent an entire new “fusion” Halloween costume style and peppered it with elements of public S&M.  Check out this photo from the source where Alice has made herself into a perfect cross of the Tin Man and the Chicken of the Sea girl: