Junk Activism

Do I need to say the obvious here after reading the article about Germany protesting Nuclear Waste transportation:

The train carrying the waste from France arrived at Dannenberg terminal in Lower Saxony early Monday, Nov. 10, at 1:15 am CET with a 14-hour delay after protests tried several times to halt the transport, police said.

and….

Elsewhere, wiring and signal gear along German railway lines were set on fire. Though most of the attacks were anonymous, police said it was likely the sabotage was the work of anti-nuclear militants.

ARE YOU PEOPLE F**KING INSANE?!?!!? You’re going to protest the problems of Nuclear Waste by… burning train tracks during the travel of NUCLEAR WASTE?

Let’s be logical here, and just a little serious for a moment.  If that train is derailed and nuclear waste spills, you’re going to have a real disaster on your hands and I doubt you’ll be the ones who are forced to clean that shit up.

Nuclear waste is sort of like an ugly stepchild with A.D.D. who refuses to drink their Nyquil every night – You’re forced to deal with it, it may keep you up at night, but the reality is that you want it on its way as soon as possible. 

Let these people do their job safely! Just get that waste out of your town as soon as possible!!!!

The British Beekeepers Assocation (BBKA) held a protest outside of Downing Street yesterday to ask the government to invest more into finding out why the bees are dying off from a mystery disease.

BBKA, I support you to the fullest and here’s some help to further your cause.  Now “bear” with me.  In America where all things are perfect, we have this awesome poster child for forest fires known as “Smokey the Bear“.  Smokey is an enormous, muscular nature-loving and kind-hearted bear who cares about wildlife.  Don’t take him for a hippie or he will eat you.  He stands tall, wears a Park Rangers hat with a cartoonish smile as he informs that you, and only YOU …. can put out forest fires.

What you need is to represent the bee population with an equally kick ass bear mascot.   Bees make honey.  Winnie the Pooh loves honey.  Just look at him, isn’t he the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen?

And if it doesn’t work, Pooh’s seemingly valium-induced personality will probably force you to stop caring about bees.  If you’re hungry, just eat that little bastard Piglet and blame it on Eeyore.  Nobody likes them, anyway.

Remember the story from the Olympics where the Switzerland wrestler Ara Abrahamian threw down his Bronze medal in protest after a dispute on a call made during his wrestling match? Well, it resulted in a 2 year ban from the sport.

Ara, if you even THINK about rolling around on a mat with another man for the next 2 years, it’s straight to Wrestling Hell for you where Andre the Giant is waiting to sit on you.

In his defense however, I don’t think the Olympic Committee understands the core of the issue.  The Swiss are accustomed to medals being filled with tasty chocolate.  When Ara took a bite of his Bronze medal and realized it was filled with low-quality flavor (the kind that has to have sugary cream filling to mask the taste), of course he threw it down in disgust.

When your country is known for it’s chocolate you will accept nothing less than the Gold medals.  That’s where the Swiss chocolate goes.  As for you Ara: Go eat a Toblerone and stop whining!

Yesterday I wrote about the obnoxious hicks from Westboro Church in Kansas driving hundreds of miles to protest a high school performance of The Laramie Project. The high school staff deemed it necessary to close down the school for a day, probably fearing most the students preparing to whoop some Kansas hick ass.

To the students of Scott County: don’t think you’re getting out of learning something today just because you’re waking up at 12pm and playing video games.  Here is my lesson for you:  Everyone wants a day off of school and you’ve gotten firsthand experience in how to achieve that goal.

Perform a controversial play that inspires homophobia and a band of hateful hicks from the Midwest will come to protest……. and you will get 1 FREE DAY OUT OF CLASS!  No more need for snow days, just lure the morons to the front of your school with a few “fag” and “hell” signs.

Inmates in Greece are refusing to eat in droves, due to overcrowded prison conditions.   Greece’s 12,192 inmates are crowded into jail spaces meant for 8,243.

Greece, you can’t handle a measly 12,192 inmates?  You need to take a lesson from the champs of incarceration.

You see, in America, and apparently in the UK, we believe in things called rights and freedoms.  And those rights are that every inmate has a right to Cable TV, libraries, 3 meals a day, a gym, basketball court, a job, a movie theater, the Bible, toilet wine, …….but only ONE prison bitch.

Let’s approach this protest as a business venture.  You know, by using solid metrics.

12,192 inmates – 8243 inmate capacity = 3,949 overflow
Overflow is est. 32% over the current capacity.

Since we’re talking about size and capacity, we need a better way to measure the success of a food protest to help increase capacity.  So, you shouldn’t be counting the PEOPLE incarcerated, you need to be counting the WEIGHT.  In America we do this in pounds.  Because the whole world is still in the dark ages (except America, of course), you will have to use the evil Kilometer.

So, as far as I can see your protest can go one of two ways:

1) Starve yourselves until the weight limit drops 32% as a whole.  Science tells us that the less people weigh, the less space you will all take up.  Find the average size of each inmate and calculate the average number of pounds that each inmate should lose to accommodate.  For help, I will refer you to this guy.

2) This requires a real fight for the long haul – eat as much as possible.  Estimate weight increase to force the desired outcome (increased number of prisons.)  You need to cut out the Gyro and Lamb diet to make this happen.  I would suggest a diet of McDonalds, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, and Ben N Jerry’s over the next several months and STOP MOVING AROUND SO MUCH.  Eventually, Greece will be forced to support the increased weight capcaity. You can also argue that you’re too fat for execution.

HEY GREECE:  Have you thought maybe there is a reason that your prisoners are not hungry enough for your meals?  It’s because they’re full from eating holes through the walls.